Birth Plan.

Hello Blogworld!

As a Labour and Delivery nurse I see A LOT of birth plans/preferences from patients. Some are very realistic, some not so much. We tend to say that an unrealistic birth plan is a ticket to the OR (which has proven true a lot of the time.) Regardless I've decided to write my "Birth Plan" however, it's more to be funny, not serious. Just give people something to laugh about. Specifically nurses something to find funny.

Draft 1: Beth Bronson's Birth Preferences;

Please have ALL NURSES on during my delivery read this.

Written especially with the lucky (unfortunate) nurse who ends up having me for my delivery in mind. Please keep my best interest in mind... However, I've clearly outlined most situations that may arise and my ideal situation for them. Also the things that are most important to me are highlighted.

Admittance to Birthing Unit:
Please do not admit me to the Birthing Unit before 4 centimeters. If I seem to be coping "well" and am 4 centimeters tell me I'm 2 centimeters and send me walking. If my water is broken and I'm GBS positive put a saline lock in and send me walking. Please find the most incapable nurse from 8 east to attempt to insert the IV (Reasoning: I deserve it after the IVs I've inserted.) My first choice of rooms are: Room 4 and Room 5. After that, just not Room 6 or Room 7 please.

Birth companion:
The only birth companion I want present for the labour and at the delivery is Eric Moisey. However, on that note there will be A LOT of times during the labour I will probably NOT want him present (due to how highly irritable I will probably be). Please let him sit at the desk, as it could be a matter of minutes that I want him to be present again (and may inflict some serious bodily harm on him if he's not back in the room quickly). Or place a chair in behind the curtain so at least I can't see him and he's not far. If he's in the way, send him for coffee for the nurses.

Positions for labour:
Just don't let me lay in bed whining. If I am move me to gross, dirty, amniotic-y hospital floor. Remind me that it is gross, dirty and amniotic-y so I don't stay on the floor.

Pain relief:
It could have something to do with me working in Labour and Delivery but I know my options for pain relief so don't explain them to me. I'll ask for it when I want it. I'm stubborn. If you tell me I need medication I'll probably tell you to screw off. Don't take it personally. If/When I do start screaming for an epidural please give me some Nitrous. I don't want to be a screamer. On that note, if I start screaming for anything give me Nitrous (the mask will muffle the screaming and make the whole thing more bearable for everyone)

Monitoring your baby's heart rate
I get when I need to be monitored continuously. Don't let me see the screen. I don't need that stress. Also please keep track of anytime I decide to be a pain in the ass with flipping from side to side or any whining I do. Following the delivery, when my breasts are engorged, I want the nurse I was difficult with to punch me in the boobs for each time I didn't cooperate. Trust me, I'll understand (and deserve it). it'll be teaching for baby number 2.

Assisted delivery
-If by some crazy chance I'm still NCB at the time of delivery, and I require a vacuum, please give me something to bite. Ideally Eric's arm; however, I would be okay with cloth of some sort. Also reassure Eric that any profanities I swear at him during this time I don't really mean.
-If I am still NCB at the time of delivery and require forceps please please please get me a pudental block, or at least some lidocaine (1% and lots of it). I would also like versed at this time. If versed isn't available check my bags for a flask of Everclear, I tend not to leave home without it. Also make sure Eric is watching the whole process. I'd like him to understand what was required to have his baby. While also discussing forceps I would like to emphasize one of my favourite aspects of my body is that my anus and vagina are 2 separate entities. Please keep this in mind while advocating on behalf of me. I don't want a vaginal c-section. I like that I don't suffer from incontinence and am able to sit.
-Finally C-sections: prior to the c-section (if possible) I would like a scalp pH done. None of this "well you've been 6 centimeters for 6 hours" business. Scalp pH or no consent (except in emergency c-sections)
- Non urgent c-section: Room C please. I would like Eric geared up in hospital blues and placed with his back against the wall and a good view of what is happening. Thus there is no need to explain to him later that week why I don't feel like vacuuming or cooking.
- Emergency c-section: do what you need to do. Please try to make sure that my abdomen gets put together as normally as possible.
Also I do NOT want the nurses sitting at the desk saying "oh she's going to the back for sure, she's definitely going to the back." Anyone I catch saying that will get kicked in the twat - HARD.

Delivery position
I don't care. Just however the baby is going to come out.

Third stage (delivery of the placenta)
Give me the pit.

Feeding the baby
I plan to breastfeed. What is it called when you place the baby on your stomach and make them wiggle up and find the breast? Yeah, well I don't want that.

Additional Notes:
Nurses: You know if I want you there and thus you also know who I don't. Have my back.

Doctors: same as above.

Residents: Mostly the same as above; however, since my due date is after July 1st (new resident day) there will be new residents wondering the halls. I wont flat out refuse them; however, I will ask 3 skill testing questions prior to letting them be involved in my care and delivery. Most questions will be OB related. I expect none of them to succeed.

Med Students: 3 skill testing questions as well, however my tolerance to their presence will be less than that of new residents. They may as well know that right from the beginning. They also may be where I direct my anger. They are probably better off not present.

Visitors: we don't plan to tell anyone when we leave for the hospital for the birth, on that note, if for some crazy reason someone calls and asks about Eric, myself or the baby while at the hospital please tell them none of us made it through the delivery and that you're sorry for their loss. If they call you on the lie tell them to mind their own damn business. People know better than to "check in" on us. We'll call them when there is anything worth knowing.

Entering and Exiting the room: I appreciate that A LOT of people will probably see my vajayjay during this process, I get it. On that note. I don't want ANYONE wandering in during the pushing stage "just to see how I'm doing". It's my first baby, I get that it can take 3 hours. I'm sorry for the sucker who gets stuck pushing with me, but if you leave to go on break while I'm pushing, I'm stopping and waiting for you to come back. Anyone who enters the room "just to see how I'm doing" or to 'see how much head you can see" will be pants in public at a later date. I will go for underwear as well and ideally it will be in front of A LOT of people. Consider yourselves warned.